


Answer

by kannstdunicht



Series: Merlin Songfics [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arthur gets really sad here, Arthur's POV again, But everything ends okay, But way less than before, Depression, Eating Disorders, Hurt Merlin, I mostly did this because I hate leaving sad endings, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Florence + the Machine, M/M, Merlin's Magic Revealed, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, Songfic, They are both hurt, hurt Arthur, not graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 01:11:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannstdunicht/pseuds/kannstdunicht
Summary: Merlin's dead. The only person who understood him has been executed for possessing magic. He's not coming back, not answering Arthur's prayers. Arthur can't handle it.Sequel to my other one-shot, "Hunger", based on the same song. Can be read alone, but to get everything it's best to read Hunger first.





	Answer

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Hunger](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919743) by [kannstdunicht](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kannstdunicht/pseuds/kannstdunicht). 



> Hope you like! I think I've said everything, but have a good day/night.

>   _We all have a hunger_

 

Arthur hated this feeling. He had forgotten what it was like, to be honest, to be so empty. To wake up every morning and not want to eat because what was the point anymore when it didn’t do anything.

 

> _Don’t let it get you down_
> 
> _You’re the best thing I’ve seen_

 

For a while, he pictured Merlin’s face when he thought he couldn’t anymore. Could almost hear his teasing voice, saying just the right thing. He pushed on. He learned to do more things himself because he couldn’t bear getting another servant so soon. He threw himself back into training, into scouting and fighting and still nothing was the same. Arthur stopped sleeping because every time he closed his eyes he saw that fire, ripping and searing and he didn’t light candles anymore, either.

 

> _I thought that love was in the drugs_
> 
> _But the more I took, the more it took away_

 

When he had driven himself to the breaking point, people started getting involved. It was normal to feel betrayed, they said. He laughed. Gaius prescribed him sleeping draughts, his knights offered meaningless nights with meaningless girls, Gwen talked to him about Merlin. He lost himself again, sleeping again with the aid of the potions, but not getting up. The servant girls his father sent with food were always too polite, too feminine, too wrong, not Merlin.

 

> _You give yourself to strangers_
> 
> _You don’t have to be afraid_

 

It had only been about a month, but it seemed like forever. Uther had finally gotten tired of his son’s grief and had forced him to return to a somewhat normal schedule. No matter how hard he pushed, Arthur did not let him appoint another manservant. He traveled to Ealdor, other outlying villages, speaking out about economic policies and generally pretending to be motivated. If he pushed everything outwards, he didn’t have to feel so empty inside. He still thought about the flames, about Merlin’s last words of courage. He still couldn’t bring himself to eat.

 

> _How could anything bad ever happen to you?_

 

The first time he started being thankful for the conservative royal clothing that covered his arms was the night of the day they met. It was a Friday and he excused himself from all training and meetings that day. He lay in his too big, too cold bed, and thought of Merlin holding his hand. The first time he started being thankful for the armor that covered his stomach was their anniversary. He looked in a mirror and sank to the floor, thinking of Merlin gently feeding him. The first time he was thankful for the thick stone walls around his room, he didn’t remember. But he arced and cursed and cried out, too choked to be a moan, too pleasured to be a sob. He thought of Merlin panting, overwhelmed. The more Merlin’s face blurred in his memory, the more Arthur couldn’t recognize himself in the mirror.

 

> _Oh, and I’m alone_
> 
> _Picking it apart_

 

It was hard to believe Merlin had been gone for almost a year. It was hard to believe that he still couldn’t be around fire, that the scars he had doubled, that he was still so broken up about it that he couldn’t look his dying father in the eyes. It was hard to believe that no one noticed, that everything had gone back to normal after the day he watched the person holding him together peel apart. Maybe it was time to move on, but every time he thought he could, he would remember something that had faded, or someone would say something that made him think of him, or he would catch a scent that reminded him of the clothes that he still had buried in a trunk somewhere. Arthur had been so close to giving up so many times, but this was it.

 

> _“Tell me what you need.”_
> 
> _Oh, you look so free_

 

And then, at the same time as Merlin left the world, at the same time Arthur was going to, he came back. First, there was a flickering in the courtyard that drew the guards. The alarm was set off when the flickering turned into a solid, human form. Uther, old and ill, was unable to leave his bed and Arthur, Prince Regent, was called to the scene. He took his knife. He stood on the steps and watched as the misty outline of someone he thought long gone solidified. The image was wearing the same blue shirt he had been burned in, clutching the same neckerchief that Arthur had watched turn to ash and smoke. He thought it had to be a trick, but that horrible feeling in his heart was gone again. He dropped his knife.

 

> _We never found the answer_
> 
> _But we knew one thing_

 

Arthur banished the guards from the courtyard, voice quiet. As soon as Merlin fully formed, he dropped to the ground heavily. He didn’t look up when Arthur approached him, demanding what kind of trick this was. He didn’t look up when Arthur dropped to his knees in front of him, hugged him tightly, not caring if this was a trick by someone who wanted to destroy him. He didn’t look up until Arthur started sobbing, and then that sad smile from his last night on Earth was back.

 

> _You make a fool of death with your beauty_
> 
> _And for a moment_

 

When Merlin had been smuggled back into the castle, tested by Gaius for every kind of enchantment, and then fed, he managed to explain. Once and future king, two sides of the same coin, immortality. Arthur didn’t care. Merlin was back, and they could figure everything else out later. He was finally whole again. That night was the first he was thankful for destiny.

 

> _I forget to worry_

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know when or what I'll be posting next... So I'll see you guys soon! <3


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